When a preteen’s “Can I?” becomes an invitation to guide them with courage, grace, and confidence.
The Question That Changes Everything
“Mom, can I _____???”
This question is becoming an all-too-familiar phrase in my house this year.
As a mom, in the moment of hearing this, I have a choice to make. Will I receive it with a growth mindset? Or will I close myself off to the potential this question really has?
Preteen years are the beginning of an exploration journey.
And as a parent of a preteen, I play a huge role in how they will explore and continue growing in these early stages.
The Trail Analogy: Parenting Preteens Through Choices
My family and I love to go on hikes at state and national parks. A typical hike starts at the trailhead, moves through easier terrain at the base, and depending on the difficulty eventually leads to switchbacks and choices along the way.
Sometimes there’s a fork in the road:
- a harder, steeper trail
- a longer route that requires endurance
- or the steady path forward
As a preteen, they are often navigating this same kind of decision in their daily life. They reach moments on the trail and want to explore the possibilities.
A parent hiking with their preteen has a decision to make too.
Do I let them choose the steep trail they may not be ready for yet knowing I’ll be right there with them, letting them try, learn, and maybe even surprise me?
Do I encourage them to go the longer distance, reminding them they are safe to try because we’re doing it together even if we need to turn back?
Or do I play it safe and say, “Not today,” staying on the steady path every time for the next three years?
What does that set them up for when they hit the teen years?
A preteen who has only ever experienced the steady trail with someone always there may suddenly be asked to climb a steep slope all by themselves.
Building a Foundation of Faith Through Exploration
Watching my own preteen explore new interests weekly, take initiative, lead others, ask questions, and try new things has been such a joy. As a guide for my preteen, I want to encourage other adults who influence preteen discipleship to pause and reflect.
This is where Christ-centered parenting and spiritual parenting intersect with real life. Faith formation for preteens isn’t just about family devotionals and Bible study it’s about letting them practice their faith in everyday decisions, building a biblical worldview for preteen that will carry them through life’s challenges.
What am I communicating to the preteen(s) in my life?
- Does my face reflect confidence in what I believe they are capable of?
- Does my tone communicate that trying is good and that I’m here to walk alongside them?
- Do my words help them put their faith (their knowledge and beliefs) into action?
The Real “Can I?” Questions
The way I respond to:
“Mom, can I start my own car wash business?”
“Mom, can I get a 4×4 Rubik’s Cube instead of the original?”
“Mom, can I do something around the house to earn extra money?”
“Mom, can I go on a run with my friend around the block?”
These questions are already happening or will be soon in this preteen phase of life.
So what is my response?
Am I ready for these moments when they come?
What God Models: Love and Grace in Parenting
We turn to Scripture. What does God, as our Father, model for us? Love and grace.
Romans 8:32–39 reminds us that nothing can separate us from God’s love.
Romans 8:32-39 is a good reminder, Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love.
“31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[o]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
God knows we will miss the mark daily. He knows we won’t grow without trying and exploring new possibilities. And even when we aren’t quite ready or we make mistakes God loves us still.
Raising Godly Children Who Know They Are Loved
Reassure the preteens in your world that no matter what they do, nothing can separate them from the love Christ has for them. Speak your love for them, too.
This is the heart of raising godly children and family faith formation teaching preteen about faith not just through words, but through how we respond to their “Can I?” moments. When we practice faith-based parenting with grace and courage, we’re building their foundation of faith for a lifetime.
The next time you hear,
“Can I ______?”
hear a God story in the making through the life of the preteen you have the joy of guiding as they explore God’s abundant love for them.
Need help navigating the preteen years with confidence? Discover Christian parenting resources including devotionals for preteens, preteen ministry materials, and practical tools for your discipleship journey together. Because every “Can I?” is an opportunity to point them to Jesus.